同居关系:承诺重要吗?
发布日期:2018-09-08 10:19
 

Question:Namaskaram Sadhguru.What are you views about live-in relationship and are they at par with marriage?

问:您好,萨古鲁。对于同居关系您有何见解?同居和婚姻是一回事吗?

 

Sadhguru: I thought marriage is a live-in relationship.So Isn't marriage a live-in relationship?Are they living separately?There are some marriages like that, I know, but… First of all,we must understand why are we forming a relationship?Right now,this,In your language,the West has seeped in too strongly in your language,because in… somewhere in your mind if you utter the word ‘relationship,’you're only thinking about sex-based relationships that’s not how it's been in this country.When we say ‘relationships’ in this country,we thought we have a relationship with our parents,our friends, our brothers, our sisters,all kinds of relationships.But if you go in the West and you say ‘a relationship’,it means body-based relationship.

萨古鲁:我以为婚姻就是一种同居关系呢。那么,婚姻难道不是一种同居关系吗?难道夫妻都分开住的?有些夫妻是这样,我知道,但是……首先,我们必须了解我们为什么要建立关系。现在,你们的语言受西方的影响太严重了。如果你说出“关系”这个词,在你脑子里,只会想到基于性的关系,但在印度,一直以来都并非如此。当我们说起“关系”一词,我们想到的是和父母的关系、和朋友的关系、和兄弟的关系、和姐妹的关系等等,各种关系。而如果你去到西方,你说“关系”时,就是在指基于肉体的关系。

 

First, drop that idea.Relationships can be on many different levels, isn't it?Why are we making only one particular relationship so important against the other?Yes,it is also an important relationship, but not against the other, isn't it?But right now, slowly we are building this Western ideology that this relationship versus the rest.It need not be so.The reason why in this country, you know,marriages have been very stable,not always because two people were getting along great,not always.Because, when they got married,a few thousand people got married along with them,bride and the groom were a small aspect of the marriage,there were so many other people involved.

首先,抛弃这种想法,关系可以是关于很多不同层面的,不是吗?为什么我们只把这一种关系看得如此重要,甚至与其他关系相对立?的确,它也是很重要的关系。但并不对立于其他关系,不是吗?但现在,我们慢慢在建立西方的思维,认为这种关系对立于其它关系。不必如此。要知道,在印度之所以长久以来婚姻都很稳定,并不总是因为夫妻双方相处非常好,并不总是如此。因为当他们结合时,有好几千人和他们一起结合了,新娘和新郎只是婚姻中的一小部分而已,还有好多其他人参与其中。

 

Now, if you have to break it, you have to break it on all levels, you can't break it.You know, your father and his father or your father and her father may be having such a wonderful friendship,you can't break it now.Even if you want to break it with your wife, you can't break it because the whole family has joined up in so many ways,it's not just about two people.Is this good or bad?

现在,如果你想要打破婚姻,你必须在所有层面上打破它,而你没法做到。要知道,你父亲和他/她父亲,也许建立了深厚的友情,你无法打破它。就算你想要和你太太分开,你做不到,因为整个家庭在很多方面都参与其中,这并不只是夫妻双方的事儿了。这是好还是坏呢?

 

See, in the course of living together, people…,today you got into some kind of situation in the evening,today you thought,‘This is it, I don’t want to see your face again - finished.’But tomorrow morning you're again in love.Hasn’t this happened to you any number of times?Yes?If there is a whole lot of people around you,when that evening when that feeling came,‘That I don’t want to see your face again,’at that moment if you pack up and leave, it's finished;you can't come back tomorrow morning.But now there's a whole lot of situation that you can't leave, you stayed on,tomorrow morning everything is wonderful.

你看,在同居的过程中,人们是这样……比如今天晚上你们之间出了点状况,你今天就想:“够了,我不想再看到你的脸,结束了!”但是第二天早上你又再次爱上对方,类似的事是不是发生过很多次?对吗?如果你身边有很多人,那个晚上当那种感觉来临时,那种“我不想再看到你的脸”的感觉来临时,那一刻如果你打包走人,一切就结束了,第二天早上你也不能回来了。但是现在有很多因素让你没法离开,你留下了,那么第二天早上一切又变得美好起来。

 

Unfortunately most human beings are still like this, isn't it?They can't be so aware and every day, they can manage everything beautifully,that’s not how it's going, life, isn’t it so?Ugly things happen, isn't it, in beautiful relationships?Don’t they happen?Even in most beautiful relationships,ugly incidents are happening. Isn't it so?To sustain those moments of ugliness,you need some support system.If there was… just two idiots are there, they’ll break. So, once children come it gets little more difficult,but before that all the others are important. 

不幸的是,大部分人仍然是这样的,不是吗?他们不能保持觉知做到每天都能美好地处理一切,人们做不到,不是吗?在美妙的关系里也会发生丑陋的事,不是吗?难道不会发生吗?即使在最美妙的关系里,也会发生丑陋的事,不是吗?为了撑过那些丑陋的时刻,你需要支持体系,如果就是两个傻子的事,他们就分手了。所以,一旦生了小孩,分手就更困难一些了,但在那之前,家里的其他人也都很重要。

 

So, what is this new thing about living live-in and marriage?So, what you are saying is,‘I’ll walk out whenever I feel like it,’ isn't it?That’s not good for anybody.This is a huge load on human consciousness there is no emotional security.I think United States of America… Just recently,I was addressing a group of people just a week ago and I was telling them one big reason They were talking about the economic meltdown,‘Why are we not productive?Why is it that this has happened?’I said, ‘One important thing is there's no emotional security for the man and the woman.’

那么关于同居,有什么新东西吗?你想说的是:“我随时想走就走”, 不是吗?这样做对任何人都没有好处。情感安全的缺失,对人类意识来说是个巨大的负担。在美国,最近,也就是一周前,我为一群人做演讲,我和他们解释,他们在讨论经济崩溃的问题:“为什么我们效率不高?为什么会这样?”我说:“其中重要的一点是如今男人和女人都缺乏情感上的安全感。”

 

You go out, when you come back you don’t know whether your home will be there or not.You don’t know whether your wife will be waiting for you or not’this is there on most people’s minds; at least fifty percent of the people’s minds.With this level of insecurity,your husband goes to the office,you don’t know whether he’ll come back or go away with the secretary.When this emotional insecurity is there,you cannot focus on anything.People cannot be productive when there is no stable emotional situation for themselves.

你出门后回来,你都不知道你的家还在不在,你都不知道你的妻子还会不会等你,大部分人心里都有此担心,至少50%的人是这样。带着这么强的不安全感,你丈夫去了办公室。你不知道他会回来,还是会和秘书跑了。带着这种不安全感,你是没办法专注于任何事的。如果没有稳定的情感状态,人们就没法高效工作。

 

Here, we fixed the marriage in such a way,no matter what happens, you can't break this.It doesn’t matter what stupid things you do,you still have to come back to that place that gives a certain sense of security.There may be lot of ugliness in the situation but still there is a stability where you can focus on what you're doing.

在印度,我们把婚姻设置成这样,不管发生了什么,你无法打破它,不管你做了什么愚蠢的事,你仍然不得不回到那个地方,那个给你一定安全感的地方,可能其中存在很多丑陋之处,但是它带来了稳定,让你能专注于你做的事上。

 

So when you say marriage versus live-in, what is it?Uncommitedly you want to live in, that’s all, isn't it?You don’t want to live in a committed way.I don’t think living in a uncommitted way together is a good thing nor is there any... I'm... I'm not saying marriage means some pujari (priest) has to come and say a mantra for you,but it must be a committed relationship.If there's no commitment,there's no real sense of respect.When there's intimacy, there must also be respect for the other person’s body, mind and everything, isn't it?When you say, ‘I'm not committed to you,whenever I feel like it I’ll walk out’there is no sense of value and respect for the other person, isn't it?

所以当你把婚姻与同居对立,那是指什么?你想要不带承诺的同居,就是这样,对吗?你不想做出承诺。我认为同居却不做出承诺,不是件好事,它没什么好处。我不是说婚姻意味着需要有牧师过来给你念诵祷言,但是婚姻必须是段有承诺的关系。如果没有承诺,就没有真正意义上的尊重。当有亲密存在时,也必须要有对对方身体、头脑和一切的尊重,不是吗?当你说“我对你没有承诺,只要我想,我随时就会走开”时,你对对方没有一点珍视和尊重,不是吗?

 

So, marriage is not some fairytale thing happening nor is it happening in heaven,it is just a statement of commitment that, ‘I'm with you,’ isn't it?If you're against commitment,no,I don’t think that’s a good thing to do.It will not bring the stability that you're seeking out of that relationship.If you're just looking for pleasure,it's up to you,but if you're looking for a stable situation it takes commitment.Without commitment there is no stable situation.

所以,婚姻不是什么童话故事,也不是发生在天堂,它只是一份声明,承诺 “我和你在一起”,不是吗?如果你反对承诺,不......在我看来,那对你没什么好处,它不会带给你稳定——如果那是你想从那段关系中获得的东西。如果你只是找点乐子,那随便你。但如果你追求稳定,承诺是必须的,没有承诺就没有稳定。

 

So, marriage is not performed by somebody that is only for social reasons.Marriage is between two people that there is a sense of commitment,‘I'm with you’, isn't it?Whether we actually go through a ceremony or do not go through a ceremony could be a choice,but I don’t think there's a choice about whether we are committed to each other or not,then you will never know the joy of being together;it'll always be a calculation, isn't it?It'll always be a calculation, isn't it?‘What can I get out of you,what can you…’Once there is ‘What can I get out of you?’,a relationship cannot be beautiful.

所以,婚姻不是某人只为了社会原因才去做的,婚姻是两个人互有承诺的结合,承诺“我和你在一起”,不是吗?是否要办仪式是可选择的。但是,我不认为是否对彼此做出承诺是可选择的,否则你永远无法知晓两人在一起的快乐,婚姻必然会成为一种算计,不是吗?它必然会成为一种算计,不是吗?“我能从你身上得到什么,你能……”,一旦“我能从你身上得到什么”这种想法出现,一段关系就不可能是美好的。

 

Love&Grace,

Sadhguru

爱与恩典

萨古鲁

 

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